December 29th, 2004 (06:30 am)
current mood: depressed
current song: None
I just can't do it anymore, trying to understand my mom is futile...Ill never get anywhere with it so why should I bother trying? The only thing it results in is my feeling bad about me. The other day she told Darren that he reminds her of my father. I to this exact moment do not understand that and can only view it as a rather unfair comment. She is always comparing one person to another the moment she sees something she dislikes. The only thing I can see that slightly resembled my father was Darren talking down to me, something that he didn't even realize he was doing. More and more it is starting to seem as if my mother just doesn't want me to be happy. She is unhappy with her life...and as the saying goes "misery Loves Company" well I’m sick and tired of being depressed of hating life, and feeling unwelcome in this world. I would love to understand my mother; maybe it would improve our relationship. I've always thought of us as close but when I sit now and think about it we have always had a rather superficial relationship...We are close on the surface and we tell each other things to appease the other but when it comes down to it there isn’t that much of a foundation I’ve always held the impression that my mother hasn’t wanted to around unless it was convenient for her...when it is she is a great mom, when its not though she just doesn’t want us around and will be mean to get us to leave the room. This morning all I did was try to understand the comment she made so I could explain it to Darren because it really hurt him...All he really knows of my father is about the times he threw me across a room when I was younger, or the times he would pin me to the wall and scream at me, or throw shit at me.
This all started when Darren and I got into a huge argument which actually started as something small and just went from there. Anyway we both said things we shouldn’t have said and dealt with it rather poorly. Anyway in the end Darren told me to fuck off. Ron and Mom were going out to pick up a couple groceries and asked if I wanted to go with them to get out of the house for a little bit. I went with them and they went on to tell me the things they disliked about Darren, things they had noticed and observed. This was fine I have always been open to hearing a person out. When we came back I thought about what had went on and what they had said. Later Darren and I talked about it and brought to light everything that had previously been brushed under the wrong, we honestly talked for a good couple hours. We came back down to eat and what not and Darren went to talk to Ron first, because there were some issues there. To put it bluntly Ron doesn’t like Darren, doesn’t hate him but pretty much has no use for him, it appears almost any little thing Darren does Ron gets annoyed with an over thinks it, thus holding it against him. Anyway they talked and I believe they came to a better understanding of one another, although Ron still doesn’t like him. It helped clear the air a bit. A little bit later Darren approached my mom and attempted to talk to her and basically all she said was "You remind me of her father, which isn’t a good thing and you should know I may be small but when I get angry you better watch out" Which comes across to me as not wanting to hear anything Darren has to say, and she failed to explain the comment regarding the supposed correlation between Darren and my Dad. To top it all off she pretty much threatened him with her final words.
Darren and I talked more yesterday for a good hour or so in which he shed tears, he realizes he has issues regarding his ego and maybe even his temper (he is not physically violent or anything) and he wanted to understand the comment my mom made, I figured maybe it stemmed from his talking down to me on a few occasions or something, but when Id asked my mom about it before that she said no it wasn’t. So I was left confused and couldn't really tell Darren anymore because I didn't know what else to tell him without putting words into my mom’s mouth...something I will not do. So this morning while we were in the garage having a smoke before I had to drive her to work I tried to talk to her about it again, in turn she took it as a personal attack. Why I don't know. The only honest reason I could see for her getting so defensive is if she knows she was being unfair, or if she truly didn't have a real reason for attempting to compare my dad and Darren. In the end it resulted in her getting pissed off even with me explaining I was NOT trying to argue with her, although she was pushing for an argument. We barely spoke on the way to her work, minus here and there about a guy I thought was fired from where she works. The only real conversation I had with her on the way was my asking if she was conditioned to automatically go on the defensive...Figuring maybe it had something to do with the way my Baba and Gido raised her. She said yeah and got all snotty with me, when I asked if she would elaborate...she refused and just kept saying "It doesn’t matter, no matter what I say I’m always wrong" which is the farthest thing from the truth. In the end I asked "Should I just stop talking to you or something? You don't seem to want to talk to me when all I’m doing is trying to understand" and her words were "WELL that’s really your choice" and got all snotty again. So I was like "whatever" and then I stopped in front of the doors at her work and she got out. I said "Please lock the door" and she did the slammed it and I drove off.
I feel like I’m being pushed to pick between my parents and Darren. Part of me can understand some of what they told me when we went to get groceries, a lot of it I just can't and it doesn't seem to me that anyone is willing to explain it. I’m just expected to make a choice without having all the information. I love Darren, our relationship may not be perfect...No relationship is but I don’t want to wash my hands of it because of a damn argument that we were BOTH at fault for. That we both handled poorly. He is far from a monster even though he was made out to be a villain.
I am just so damn confused I don't know what to do...I love Darren and I love my parents. I’m so tired of feeling this way. I start to wonder if everyone would just be better off without me around. I just want to be happy. In today's world is that really to much to ask? For just a fraction of happiness... I feel like I’m always molding myself to be what everyone else wants me to be, in turn I’m starting to lose myself, its like I’m drowning and just don't know who the hell I am. I keep trying to tell myself that it will get better with time but as time goes by it only appears to get worse. I start to question my own sanity because at times it’s like I’m standing outside looking in on my life...I’m not actually apart of it.
For so long I had everyone telling me what to do, who I could and couldn’t date how I should wear my hair and how I should dress until finally I said enough is enough. I started to find me, I started to like me and then I found Darren and over time fell head over heels in love with him. Even with all the rough spots we have hit he makes me happy, now don't get me wrong he isn’t my whole world a large part of it yes, but I do find happiness in other things...or I did anyway and now it seems that everything is back to the way it was before with people trying to tell me how to live my life. With some I know they are only trying to help me, but with other I truly start to question the sincerity of there words and actions.
More and more I grow to hate myself and wonder why anyone would want to be around me, all those old doubts are starting to come up and bite me in the ass. My eating habits are going all out of whack, so I’m once again struggling to get my eating disorder under control, I’m really start to question why my life is the way it is and if maybe just maybe people and this world in general would be better off without me. I question why the hell I was brought into this world to begin with unless it was strictly to have people shit on me. It’s like there is this big sign posted on my forehead that says "SHIT ON ME" I know deep down I’m a strong person...But I don't want to keep putting up barricades around myself to avoid getting hurt like I have been in the past. I’m scared that my heart will turn cold and I will be filled with a lot of hate for mankind.
Life is so fucked up...and I know there are more people in this world going through similar situations or worse, but I just don't know how to deal with this anymore...I don't know how to deal with what is eating away at me...Talking doesn’t help, crying doesn’t help, yelling doesn’t help, writing unfortunately doesn’t help anymore. It seems as if the more I try to understand people, and the way things are the less they understand me.
My hands are going numb...
-Samantha-
